The Air in My Lungs
by the lola
Summary: 'And when he feels her crawling into his bed he knows he should turn her out, should ask her what she's doing, should stop this somehow, but he does not.'


**Word Count: **906

**Challenge/Competition: **Delirium Competition

**Prompts: **"I love you. Remember. They cannot take it.", takes place in-between the Marauder era and the Trio era (to clarify, between the Marauders time at Hogwarts and Harry's time at Hogwarts) ; must be 900 words (50 word leeway) ; non-canon pairing (your choice), butterbeer, flinch, don't be silly, endorphins

**Warnings: **None

**Disclaimer:** I don't claim to own Harry Potter, it's all JKR's.

* * *

She turns up at his house, red locks dripping with water and stuck to her face, her tears mingling with the raindrops on her skin.

Part of him knows that he should turn her away - tell her to sort things out with James, that they always patch things up. Part of him even wants to owl James, tell him to sort himself out.

But the rest of him knows what he's really going to do, and it's the selfish part of him that has desired her everyday since she first spoke to him. He frowns sympathetically, pulls her into a hug, and brings her inside.

He fishes for information - are they back together yet? She tells him no, they're done for good this time and she's even more sure after that argument.

His heart leaps.

'Can I stay?'

Without even thinking his head moves in a nod. Of course.

And when he feels her crawling into his bed he knows he should turn her out, should ask her what she's doing, should stop this somehow, but he does not.

* * *

A month later, and Lily has spent nearly everyday at his house. It almost pains him to have her in such close proximity and feel barely able to touch her.

The atmosphere is different, as though they're being more careful around each other than ever before. He doesn't understand. He just wants a drink, and so offers her one too.

They drink the whole bottle. She giggles and talks nonsense while he stares, mesmerised. So much left unsaid, he thinks.

Lily touches his face and he flinches, surprised, terrified of the way she makes him feel.

'Do you know why I don't touch you? Because of this,' she slurs, tracing a finger down the side of his face.

Endorphin's rush through his entire body, he knows exactly what she means. He just didn't know that she felt it too.

So for a minute he forgets who she is and how much she terrifies him, and he kisses her forcefully. It's drunken and it's sloppy, but there's an utter desperation in it that leaves his lips swollen and sore.

* * *

She runs a hand through his hair and smiles, and she tells him that she was always meant to end up here. With him.

_Don't be silly_, he almost says. Almost. In moments like this, while she's wrapped up in his bedsheet, fresh-faced and smiling, everything feels perfect. He feels like his past has been erased, like she pushes the air into his lungs.

It's just Sirius and Lily and there's no James, no destiny, no Hogwarts memories, no family, no war brewing. Just them.

And it's enough. For him, she will always be enough. He doesn't think he's never known not loving her, or how not to love her.

'I love you,' he finally says it out loud.

* * *

He punches a hole in the wall. She throws a plate. This is just one of the many days of fighting.

They fight until they can barely breathe, and he doesn't know whether it's out of stubbornness or care. He hopes for the latter - always the foolish, hopeful boy.

Deep down, he knows that this isn't right. It can't be right. It's too intense, too frightening for it to be a forever.

He can't take it, not today. He slams the door on her, walks to the pub. A pretty bartender slides his butterbeer across the bar, and he can hardly help himself.

It's only as he's in the alleyway and trailing kisses down her neck that he realises what a child he's being. He finds himself thinking that James would never do this to Lily.

And although he pushes the woman off of him and almost sprints home, the guilt sits like lead in his stomach. He will never be enough for her, he can never be the man that she deserves.

The words of an ending are on the tip of his tongue as he opens the door to her.

'I can't do this anymore,' chokes a tearful Lily.

His heart squeezes so hard he thinks it might stop, but he nods. He knows.

He hugs her tightly in the hope she might hold him together for a few seconds longer, and the electricity between them teases him. Sirius clenches his fists against her back so tightly that his knuckles turn white as he resists, but he then feels frantic kisses along his neck. So he is as selfish as always and he gives in, pulling her into a fierce and searing kiss as he drags her toward the bedroom.

* * *

'James came to see me today,' she tells him, red-faced and teary-eyed.

And he knows. He knows that she knows what he's known all along. He's not the one, he's not enough, he doesn't fill the void in her as she does for him. He is a reckless hurricane, he knows, and James is the calm in the storm that can promise her all that Sirius cannot.

So he makes his an unselfish decision for the first time in months, and he lets her go.

* * *

Strapped up by Death Eaters with curses on the tip of their tongues, Sirius listens to one of the many whispered conversations of those captured.

'I love you Lily, remember that - they can't take that away,' James tells her. And as deep as it stings, he is finally sure that he made the right decision.

* * *

**AN: **I actually love this pairing so I don't know why I made it so sad... I'm a sucker for angst I guess, haha. Reviews and favourites would be lovely! :)


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